You Take Away my FMA
by Rokuchuchu
Summary: In a world where Fullmetal Alchemist is banned, Roku and LeFay gather a mother load of FMA fangirls to form a rebellion against the president in order to restore their favorite Japanese show. And when Mustang and Envy come to help out, they might just have a small, possible, tiny chance of success. Not.


_This was a co-author effort between LeFay Strent and Rokuchuchu. The events you are about to witness are completely, utterly, truthfully, fact. Please take everything you read here today as literal. _

_LeFay and Roku do not own Fullmetal Alchemist._

* * *

"Quick!" a teenage girl hissed towards the crowd of other girls. "He's leaving the building!" They nodded and kept their heads low, stalking after the tall man with blonde hair.

The anime convention was full today, as it was Saturday. There were at least a thousand Fullmetal Alchemist fans all crowded up for the last three hours, following a person they thought to be Edward Elric.

Sure half of them were cosplaying as him, but this one was different.

His eyes were pure gold, she told a girl. They looked like someone melted gold and used them to make his eyes. The girl who bumped into him first nearly melted at the sight, and when she told newcomers about the meeting they cried tears of a true Edward believer.

Not only that, but his hair was tied up in a ponytail, and his bangs framed his face the same way they always had in the series. He was wearing the same outfit he wore at the end of Brotherhood... It was just too perfect of a cosplay to be fake!

And so she followed the confused man through the convention, gathering followers. They were going to glomp him like there was no tomorrow.

"How much longer do we follow him?" another girl dressed as Winry asked.

"We'll wait until he gets somewhere when he's alone," she replied, her cat ears falling forward and onto her face a bit. She fixed it and they waited until he turned the corner of the con building.

He kept walking farther into the city and the girls followed, peeking around corners and moving forward. A few people looked at them and whispered. There had to be two blocks worth of girls following this guy by now. The girls just told the onlookers to shut their traps.

He rounded one last corner before he hit a field. It was the field right in front of the museum of Greater Science in Denver, Colorado. Coincidentally, today the president was visiting the museum to make a speech about a new plan for education regarding science... It just so happened that the girls didn't notice the limo.

And due to the fact that 'Ed' was nearing the front gate to get into the museum, they decided to do something stupid.

"Get him!" the girl in front yelled. And they charged. Many yells of agreement followed as they bolted across the street and down the right sidewalk towards 'Ed' and the limo whose doors were opening.

Guards came out, as well as the president, and all anyone, including 'Ed', had time to do was look for a split second before running.

"Shit!" 'Ed's' eyes grew to the size of quarters, and he stumbled backwards, turning and sprinting away from the oncoming hoard he just realized was ran right through the guards who were still in shock, knocked over the president, and got through another set of guards before sprinting away.

"Come on!" the head girl yelled once more before running over the guards, as well as the president, trampling him on their way through.

Honestly, all they saw was 'Ed' and the fact that they wanted to get to him.

* * *

Hours after the incident, LeFay sat on the couch in her living room watching T.V. with her good buddy Roku. Actually the T.V. was on but they weren't paying attention to it, being to absorbed in their planning for the zombie apocalypse.

"Shelter?" LeFay guessed.

"No, you dummy," Roku shook his head. "Everyone knows you're supposed to find a suitable weapon first. Then shelter, then water, then food."

"But wouldn't-"

"We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin."

Roku and LeFay paused in their debate and turned to the T.V.

"Today a mob of cosplayers at a Denver anime convention nearly trampled the president outside the museum of Greater Science."

The two friends glanced at each other and busted out laughing. Yes, it may seem cruel but it wasn't everyday that you hear something as hilarious and random as that.

The anchorwoman continued with her report, "Upon questioning some of the cosplayers it was discovered that the incident was caused by an overexcited fan claiming to see the main character from a popular anime series known as 'Fullmetal Alchemist'.

The fan spread the word, leading the other fans to believe her and follow the man to the museum of Greater Science where the president was to hold a speech today. The crowd suddenly began chasing the man, running over the president and his bodyguards to get to him.

After these events unfolded, the president had a meeting with his cabinet and it was agreed that such madness should never be allowed to happen again. As a result, everything pertaining to 'Fullmetal Alchemist' has now become illegal in the U.S."

This is where LeFay and Roku stopped laughing.

"WHAT?" they shouted in unison.

Roku just sat there with his mouth gaping open in disbelief. LeFay, however, was pacing around the room and freaking out, muttering gibberish under her breath.

"!" LeFay carried on.

Roku, finally overcoming his shock, stood up and shook her fiercely, "Snap out of it, woman!"

LeFay stopped her murmurings and looked up at her friend with teary eyes, "But, they can't do that! I…I feel like my soul has died…"

"LeFay, pull your act together!" he commanded dramatically, holding a fist up in the air. "We've got to keep calm so we can come up with a way to fix this blasphemy!"

She nodded slowly, seeing that he was right, "Alright, so what do we do?"

Roku smiled evilly, "We destroy them of course."

LeFay put her game face on and said, "Yes! We'll show them! They take away our FMA, they take away our honor!"

"Yeah!" Roku agreed.

Then LeFay raised her arm and pointed towards the sky, "Hurry! To the bat mobile! Awaaaaay!"

He sweat dropped, "Um, but you don't have a bat mobile."

Her shoulder's slumped, "Well, there goes my plan."

"I've got an idea," Roku said and walked over to LeFay's computer.

She hovered over him, "What are you doing?"

"I'm sending out a distress call to all of the FMA fans," he said as he clicked away on the mouse. "First we'll tell all the readers on Fanfiction and then we'll go from there."

"Yeah! We should alert all of the fan clubs too. Like the Resembool Rangers, the Mini Skirt Army, the Kitten Regiment, the Palmtree People."

"Palmtree People?" he gave her a look.

"Envy, duh."

He gave her a dull stare, "I figured that out. What I meant was that I don't think that's what his fan club is called."

LeFay shrugged, "You know what I mean. And then we can alert the anime conventions and even try the people who worked on FMA at Funimation."

Roku nodded, flying through the many windows on the screen and typing away. The first sentence he typed was, "The Revelution has begun."

* * *

"Today is the day!" Roku called into a bullhorn he borrowed from the Rec Center they rented out to hold the occasion. "When the president attacks, the empire strikes back! Viva La Revolution!"

"Give me that!" LeFay yanked the bullhorn away from him. "You can't just go throwing references into your speeches like that!"

"Why not?" He looked at her sadly.

"It's not even from this fandom!" she whacked him over the head.

"Alright! Just ask them if there are any strong leaders and ask for the guy with all of the pocket watches to bring them over to us. I hope he brought enough."

"He said he had enough." They were standing on a stage, leaving them a good four feet taller than everyone else. "Will the person with the watches come forward, and any one who thinks they can help us lead this shin-dig!"

Then an unnatural blinding light came from a door next to the stage, and lots of girls started 'fangirling' as Roku described it.

Fangirling was when fangirls started over reacting to an appearance of a cosplayer, or voice actor for a show.

When the door closed, the strange light went away, and Mustang walked in with five floating boxes, walking up the stage steps casually flipping his hair for the screaming girls.

"What-" LeFay couldn't even speak. How did he even get here?

"Yo Mustard." Roku grinned. "What's up with the lights?"

"It seemed appropriate so I set a few trashcans on fire for effect."

"You- You can't just do that," LeFay pointed out.

"Well I'm not supposed to be real, but here I am!" he flipped his hair again.

"Point taken…" She replied quietly, shock still existent in her being.

"Anyway… I brought the watches." Roku and LeFay sweat dropped at seeing five girls struggling to carry the five boxes Roku thought were floating.

"Where did you get all of those?" LeFay gaped.

"Central, of course," he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, opening the boxes.

"How did you get here?"

He laughed a lot in a mocking tone and then added, "Willing suspension of disbelief! Just believe it, damn it!

"Jeesus look at all those Cwatches!" Roku grinned as he looked in the box to grab one.

"You mean watches?" LeFay raised an eyebrow. The way he said Cwatches sounded like a little kid just said 'crotches'.

"Well if a watch from Switzerland is a swatch, a watch from Central is a cwatch." He explained, tossing 'Cwatches' out into the crowd at random. You could hear fangirl screams at seeing how real they were.

Roku and Lefay continued to throw Cwatches out, the FMA fans now all waiting expectantly, looking at their friend's, whispering to each other with excitement. Soon Mustang joined in, until they heard a cough behind them.

"What the…" Roku turned around and widened his eyes. There stood Envy. With girls hanging all over him. Hot ones, might he add. "Why are you here?"

"You said you needed someone to lead the fight."

"I said help leading the fight. And why would you help anyway?"

"What, I like having fangirls, okay?" he replied with a bit of blush. Seeing as how no one had any comments, including Mustang, he continued. "Without FMA fangirls... Well I don't get sought after by thousands of girls!" He chuckled, "Off girls, give me a sec."

By this time Lefay was watching the event unfold... Mustang was not. Envy walked over and shoved him off the stage into a crowd of girls who for some reason were holding up a miniskirt...

'Oh god.' Roku turned away, not wanting to see the next events unfold.

Unfortunately, he could still hear Mustang yelling "Kyaaaaa!" in a quite unmanly voice. He peeked a look at LeFay, who had her eyes glued open, watching every minute of it.

"Hmm.." Roku rubbed his chin while looking at Envy, his fangirls hanging all over him once more. "The force is strong in this one- OW!"

"Stop that!" LeFay yelled, finally out of her trance. "We have a fanbase to save! There is no time for astray Star Wars references!" She scolded. "You haven't even seen Star Wars."

"Whatever," he brushed it off. "Let's get this show on the road."

* * *

The Cwatches had all been passed out, the plans had been made, and now the rebels were ready for battle. They set out for the White House to confront the president, marching down the streets with Roku, LeFay, Mustang, and Envy draped with his fan girls leading the army.

As they marched down the street, Roku asked, "Can you save fifteen percent or more on car insurance?"

"Does Roy Mustang look dead sexy in a miniskirt?" LeFay replied with a giggle.

Mustang grumbled something along the lines of, "All I really wanted was to find Hawkeye." Meanwhile, Envy simply snickered at us all.

"So, Mustang," LeFay began. "You never really explained how you and Envy are here." Mustang opened his mouth and she stopped him, "And don't feed me that crap of willing suspension of disbelief."

He frowned and turned away sulkily. Envy rolled his eyes and said, "Hell, I'll just tell you. When someone dies they pass through the gate to live out their 'second chance' at life. I always thought it was a stupid myth but apparently it's true."

"So that means you died?" Roku asked in surprise.

"How?" LeFay asked, just as curious.

Envy scoffed, "Haven't you seen Brotherhood? I killed myself, duh."

"And you?" she asked Mustang.

He closed his eyes and began in a haunted voice, "It was a dark and scary night-"

"Never mind," she cut him off, not wanting to hear his long dramatic tale.

"Whoa, you know what this means?" Roku said excitedly as if he had some life changing epiphany.

"What?" LeFay asked.

"When I die I'm gonna go to Amestris!"

Envy grinned darkly at him, "If you want I can help you get there faster."

Roku hid behind LeFay, "Um, no thank you."

"We're here," Mustang pointed out. The rest of them stopped as did the tons of rebels behind them. There stood the looming structure of the White House, heavily guarded by members of the secret service.

The crowd stood there, staring at the building as they mentally prepared themselves for the coming fight. And then Roku just had to go and break the silence.

"Down with the capitol!" he yelled into his bullhorn which he had somehow gotten back from her when she was distracted.

"Knock it off with the references!" LeFay shouted as she snatched back the bullhorn. Roku pouted but she ignored him. She turned to the waiting crowd, cleared her throat, and spoke into the bullhorn, "CHARGE!"

* * *

Roku and LeFay ran ahead of the others, trying to startle the guards at the front gate. Thankfully they did, Cwatches slamming into each guard's respective face.

At this time, Envy used his Cwatch(after the girls let go of him) to break the lock on the gate, the Cwatch making a 'swoosh' noise before hitting the lock, breaking both the Cwatch and the lock into many pieces.

He then reached into his pocket and grabbed out two more, dual wielding the Cwatches.

Then came the fun part. the front steps were 100 meters away. And by this time guards were coming out the front door by the dozens.

Envy, Roku, Mustang, and LeFay lined up in that order, and walked in all badass-like, the crowd forcing the gate open with their fangirl strength.

If this was a movie, it would be in slow motion. Then things sped up.

Everyone sprinted, lots of them ducking and rolling to get away from attackers.

Guns were brought out at this time.

"F(eep)k." Roku muttered, looking towards LeFay desperately. She just shrugged and kept charging. Roku sighed, remembering that this fic was rated k+, meaning no blood could be spilled. Then he chided himself for breaking the fourth wall and got back to work.

And so they ran, Envy taking lead of it all. He slammed every guard in the face, no hesitation. He moved forward, Roku and LeFay holding their own weight.

Mustang was hanging back, looking unsure of his abilities. That was when LeFay hung back with him, bringing a few guys with her. "Come on!" She ducked as a guard swung the hilt of his gun at her. "Help me out!"

"Uhh.." Mustang was unsure, but tried his best. Swinging the Cwatch, he missed the guy completely, and ended up hitting himself in the face.

All LeFay could to was sigh, and completely avoiding telling the viewers about the blood that came gushing out of his nose, moving onto the next guy.

They worked their way up the stairs, and into the open doors at the top. By this time only twenty people were down for the count. (comatose, not dead, idiots…)

They saw someone going up a staircase with paperwork in her hands, and so they followed her up the stairs. And then more stairs. And then a hallway-

Honestly? They were just confused as to how she hadn't noticed them. Afterall, they were an army made up of thousands of raging fans. She walked into two double doors and closed them.

"Wow, she's stupid!" Roku admitted, racing towards the doors. He grabbed for the handle and pulled it open, "At least we're almost there-" He fell backwards and scrambled out of the room.

"What is it?" Mustang ordered.

"They've been expecting us." Roku replied breathlessly.

After Roku's comment, Mustang and Envy glanced at each other. Together, they opened the double doors.

The President's office was filled with numerous guards, all of them dressed in SWAT uniforms and pointing assault rifles at the intruders. "Don't come any closer!" one of them yelled firmly.

"It was all Roku's idea! I'm innocent!" LeFay screamed.

Roku's eye twitched, "So not helping."

Envy just grinned at the bunch of armed men, "You think you can take me on, pathetic humans?"

"You forget that you're human now too, Envy," Roku reminded him.

Envy scowled, "I hate you."

"Surrender yourselves or we will have to resort to force," another uniformed man said.

"BRING IT ON!" LeFay shouted at them confidently, her mood taking a complete one-eighty.

Roku sweat dropped, "Someone's had too much caffeine."

"Stop this nonsense! All of you!" a strong, female voice commanded.

At the woman's voice, Mustang's expression became thoughtful, "Wait a minute…"

Out of the group of armed men came forth none other than Riza Hawkeye.

"Hawkeye!" Mustang cheered, leaping to glomp the woman.

The blonde swiftly pulled out a handgun and fired a warning shot. Mustang gave an unmanly squeak and jumped back.

"What the hell, Hawkeye?" Mustang yelled. "That's no way to treat you superior officer!"

"If you'd take a moment to consider the circumstances you'd realize that you are not my superior officer," she pointed out. "This isn't the Amestrian military anymore. I now work here at the White House as head of the secret service and the president's personal body guard."

"Wow, that's like the equivalent of the Fuhrer's secretary," LeFay commented, impressed.

"But Riza…" Mustang whined.

"No 'but's Roy. I have a job to do and I can't sit by and let you hurt the president under my watch."

Roku snorted, "We weren't gonna hurt him!"

Envy cocked an eyebrow, "We weren't?"

"No!" he chuckled and whispered a side comment to Envy, "Just work with me here." Then he turned back to Hawkeye, "We were just going to demand our FMA back! And we're not leaving until we get what we came for!"

"Yeah!" chorused the army of fan girls.

"Ugh," Hawkeye groaned wearily at us all.

Then a head poked out from behind the large desk, "That's what you're here for?"

LeFay rolled her eyes and replied sarcastically, "No, we just came to have tea and sing Kumbaiya."

The president stood to his full height and looked at his personal bodyguard, "Riza…"

"Not this again," she shook her head and sighed.

The rest of us just looked between the two with confused expressions.

"What's going on here?" Roku asked.

The president shifted a little in embarrassment but explained, "To tell the truth, I'm against this whole ban on Fullmetal Alchemist."

Roku, Mustang, LeFay, and Envy all dropped their jaws at the man.

He chuckled, "I'm actually quite a big fan of the show."

LeFay was the first one to snap out of their stupors. She flung herself at the desk, "Then why man? TELL ME WHY!" Meanwhile Envy and Mustang remained shocked while Roku was busy banging his head against a wall.

A dark cloud seemed to hang over the president's head as he pouted, "Because Riza made me."

All eyes turned to Hawkeye. Roku and LeFay actually freaked everyone else out by glaring at Hawkeye and saying in creepy perfectly unison voices, "So you're the one…"

Everyone took a step back from the pair. Even Envy and that's saying something.

"Moving on…" Mustang said. "Why Hawkeye? Why would you do such a horrible thing?"

"Because it nearly cost the president his life. I had to make him see reason. Such a thing cannot be allowed."

"Oh come on, Riza," the president said lightheartedly. "It was only a few scrapes and bruises... Those kids were just overexcited is all. I'm just we can put an end to all of this nonsense."

"But sir, I really must disagree," Hawkeye responded.

"Do it or I'll sic these two on you," Envy threatened, gesturing towards Roku and LeFay who were staring at Hawkeye with glowering eyes while wearing menacing smiles.

Hawkeye shuddered, "You drive a hard bargain."

"So what do you say, Riza?" the president asked. "Let's lift the ban and bring joy back to the country."

"Are you sure this is what you want to do, sir?"

"Positive."

She sighed, "Alright then."

LeFay and Roku immediately began doing happy dances as the fan girls screamed gleefully.

And before this story ended, there was one last question to be asked.

"Oh, and Roy?" Hawkeye called his attention.

"Hm?"

"…Why the hell are you in a miniskirt?"

THE END


End file.
